KITTY KATS ROOOOL

Is your kitty kat constantly scratching your doors, sharpening her claws on your furniture or inspecting your cupboards?

It is time to wash the doors, change the furniture and clean out your cupboards. Cats are very particular about the contents of their homes.

Does she/him walk away from you when you try and pick him/her up?
THIS is a major problem. Have a bath or change your deodorant. Believe me – your partner is trying to tell you something others of your species will soon be avoiding you for.

For nineteen years fart has tried to rid me of some of my ‘bad habits’. But, in the end it is he who has changed – had to! The power of the feline mind, and strength of basic belief, that we are right overcomes all.

So, your feline partner is carrying out retaliatory exercises against you and your environment?
Remove the cause of the poor, poor, poor kitty’s dilemma.
Believe me you will all be much happier in the long run.

ROOOOOOOL CATS!!

“Where’s the FRESH trout, fart. No vino for you tonight unless it is in front of me, presented as I like it on a warm plate in five minutes.”
Nineteen years ago he was a normal idiot human. But slowly (very slowly) he has learnt that we are the superior species.

Ohhhh the power.

ROOOL CATS

SOOTIE FAME

We, fart and I were looking at the stats, to see how the fan base was going. We have regular visits from places that I did not know were there. Brazil, Spain, Russia, Israel, Canada, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Sweden, Switzerland, Greece, Malaysia, India, Japan, Australia, New Zealand, England, South Africa, Tanzania, Kenya.

Amazing!!!
I have told fart that if he hangs around I will make him famous. But he has to walk three steps behind me for the first couple’a years.

Don’t you just love him. Silly little man – SLAVE. He he he!
It would be nice to have some comments from out there that I can show my other fans. You might become as famous as me, you never know. Carpe diem – that means ‘Seize the day’ by the way.
I am going to go and wallow in my sunny bed now and have a lick ‘n sleep.

SAD FART - HAPPY FART - NO FART?

Ohhh dear! Fart’s chin is on the deck. He had an email from his lovely daughter, Siwan and she said,
“I was just catching up on Sootie shack and had a big moment of how it used to be before we were in each others lives. How I used to wonder what you were like and what it would be like to know you. Well now I know what your like (funny and a bit crazy!) and I totally love it!”
He will perk up though, cause he loves her.

The previous time fart saw his son and daughter was 35 years ago. They were both babies in arms. That is what Siwan is talking about in the quote above.
Siwan, fart’s son Gwilym, and fart’s Grandson, Hedd, came out to South Africa last year. Siwan, Gwil and Hedd are in the photos below.
FART WISHED HE COULD PUT THEM ON TOP PERMANENTLY - BUT THE FOUNDATION IS FOREVER STRONG.

On a brighter note.
Living with fart it has to be that way – he just keeps going man...tiring sometimes.
I think he is going for a name change!
Yep, he is eating caraway seeds and drinking caraway herbal tea.
You know what caraway does?
It stops flatulence!

Life won’t be the same.

SELECTIVE HEARING FOR THE AGED

Fart has just told me that the best time of day is between 6 and 7 o’clock, in the morning, cause then he starts his writing. Then he had a little think and said, ‘No I lie,’ (so what’s new fart?) ‘4 P.M. is the best time, cause it is only 1 hour to a glass of wine time!’
I prefer a warm glass of milk – out of my bowl which is next to the TROUT DISH. You get that fart?
I think he gets selective hearing when I speak.

SOOTIES FLASH FICTION

I HAVE JUST WRITTEN FOUR PIECES OF FLASH FICTION TO SHOW FART THAT THERE ARE OTHERS WHO PART TAKE IN THE ART

THE CAT AND THE DOG
The dog has a bloody nose,
The feline cat wears red nail polish

THE CAT AND THE CANARY
Yellow feathers everywhere.

THE CAT AND THE MOUSE
See the cat!
'!!!'

THE CAT AND THE HUMAN MALE
Intelligent conversation overides all other.
PURRRRRRRRRRR

THE MAKE MUMMSY HAPPY CHANT

If ever you are feeling down – I have invented the perfect chant.

It goes like this

We wuv sootie

CLAP YOUR PAWS HERE

we wuv sootie
we wuv sootie

CLAP YOUR PAWS HERE
AND WIGGLE YOUR BUM

we wuv sootie
we wuv sootie
we wuv sootie

WHISTLE THROUGH THE GAP IN YOUR FRONT TEETH HERE
THEN RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES TRYING TO CATCH YOUR TAIL THREE TIMES

THEN ANSWER YOURSELF WITH THE SAME CHANT AS ABOVE.

I taught the Fart this chant.
Whenever he is finished (AND I mean finished), just one session, he is on his back, knackered and giggling to himself between wheezies.

Try and if you have any problems or comments – send them to me.

MORE FARTS

I wandered through to the porch yesterday afternoon, after my extended lunchtime nap.
Fart was sitting on the floor in the sun, reading a magazine. I walked over and sat on the page he was reading – as us kitty kats do!

He looked at me ... I looked at him.
‘Uhhhhm!!! Brushing is it?’ he said – the staring stand-off was getting through to him. He is a very deep specimen is our fart!! It takes forever before your stare reflects off anything inside and bounces back. You know...like radar?

Whilst brushing my gorgeous bod he said, ‘I have been looking at getting you an electric warm blanket through mail order.'
The electric warm blanket sounded like fresh trout ... and then the mail order bit sunk in.
‘No!’ I thpat at him, ‘I have you to contend with. And one male is enough. Do not, I repeat do not order any more males.’

I had to go and lie down for a while – the shock!
Ohhhhhhhhhh, my head hurts!

AFRICAN HOOPOO BIRDSES AND CAT BUMS

This morning Fart is getting a bit ahead of himself.

I, arose around 10:00 a.m. - as is my want, and wandered through into the lounge, yarning – getting the sleep out of my mouff. As is my want.

Fart, all cheerful at his computer, said “Ohh hello, you’re up then. There’s a little African Hoopoo bird in the garden, who is working away like a sewing machine gathering worms for her family. And you know what? She has a bum wobble just like you.”

“!!!” was my instant response.

I went out into the frrreeezzzing cold. There was this short legged bird, with a brown chest and zebra colours painted on her wings. AND a silly little hat stuck on the font of its head. It was impersonating a sewing machine, by sticking its long beak in and out of the ground very quickly.
It's bum was wobbling, I admit. But Hoopie, I do not have feathers in my tail, I have an elegant tail and fury paws - and my legs are at least six inches long.

Anything for attention – these African types

AND, listen Fart, Freddie used to catch these sewing machine birds in Tanzania.

Really, I don’t know! I have to live with him – humour, humour, humour!

MOUSEBIRDS?

Last week it was ponds and lakes covered in their winter sheets with blue fish.
Well this week's discovery crowns everything.

Us kitty kats have been around for a long, long, long time.
Even the silly little Egyptian princesses were accepted by us.
THAT - is a long time.

Now this!

I was sitting on the porch the other day allowing the fart to brush and comb me.
(It brings him so much pleasure - silly little man).

There were a lot of birds flapping around in the hedge. Chasing each other, chirruping and generally being utterly immature.

“Ohhh look at all those mousebirds”, Fart said.

I was shocked out of my reverie!
Mousebirds! I thought - MOUSEBIRDS!

Now as I have said, us kitties have been around for jonks.

I now mouses and I know birds. But the same in the same chassis. WELL, I MEAN.

But as fart always says - we have to take the positive out of this.

Good thing about mouses and birdses being combined is the dietary aspect. Fowl and beef. Magic.
Also the exercise aspect. You know us cats take it easy whenever we can – like any human being!

So now we can get all out nutrition in one meal. Absolutely brilliant.

Thank you God for doing that for us humble, humble, humble (he he he) kitty kats.